If the man can not deal with both of you justly, he should not be marrying you. Don't hurt innocent people. Men who had stayed married and never divorced were less depressed. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. Unfortunately, were human and insecurity is bound to creep in at some point. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. After Allah sent down that verse, acting on the order of the Messenger of Allah, those who had more than four wives divorced the extra ones. Stay with us till the end to see the silver lining. But how can i conquer all of this?Well, his always and everyday telling me that he will never leave me, that im his wife too and he love me so much. im just only doing prays to release and ease the pain and stress i have now. Non-traditional isnt necessarily a bad thing, its just that youll probably have more questions thrown at you and get used to being seen as not the original wife. In Quran Allah Says: And indeed we sent a messenger before you (O Muhammad SAW) and made for them wives and offsprings. It was the deception this man used. She feels like a tank is rolling over her body all the time. As salaamu alaykum. Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. Maybe they only want a couple of children to love, and really don't care about a romantic life. He asked her to spiritually marry him. A newly wed bride may feel resentful that now, because of her new marriage, she must forfeit her alimony. Get out of that marriage, and please don't become a second wife again. If he buys you a new smartphone, use it. Can I have elective or cosmetic surgery done on my private parts? First of all meetings you held were inappropriate in religious view. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: Oh, this is your second wife. There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place. What advantages and disadvantages do you think there could be for children growing up in a family where the father has more than one wife? Islam has allowed the believing men to keep a maximum of four wives at any one time, on the condition that the man will treat all his wives with justice and equality in the things that are in his power and control, like his time, his wealth, gifts, etc. I imagined people mocking me, Here comes the second wife. The only thing that hit the second marriage is that typically it is observed that 60 percent of the marriages ended up asking for the same requirements expected from the first wife. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. It can be a challenge if wounds from old relationships arent quite healed. Thats really when you become the bigger person., Related Reading: 7 Strategies To Stop Fighting In A Relationship. Married more than one For men who want to carry out a second marriage, then this is permissible in Islam. There are two ways, either you let all the obstacles and unnecessary judgments wear you down or you focus on working on your marriage. I really love him so much, but i cannot stay in a situation like his denying me to his first wife and we keep lying.. Love is precious, messy, lopsided and almost always worth it. Or if you are so generous to marry a woman and give her a home to live in Why don't you skip the marriage part, and just give her the home? Being the bigger person 8. If you accept this marriage then it is manifest that your rational faculty has gone a vacation. To Rose, her mother dating anyone else was sacrilege and she could not accept Myra even after two years. 18 August 2016. Three. "I've seen a large number of women who are in much pain . Because he intends to introduce the idea later, after marriage. Youll be butting heads with society in general and there will be times when it feels like the whole world is against you. These men are being VERY selfish, and lying to women. And he made it easier on her to the point of actually believing that being the second wife is better in many ways. [AdSense-C] 7. Islam emphasizes getting marriage with one, three, or four wives at a time. That doesn't mean you are forced to live that way, if you cannot tolerate it. We all struggle with . Initially, I tried to fight it but it ended up becoming an exhausting battle every time. And on that note-- Polygamy is either something you are interested in, or its not. You get easily insecure and offended as you feel that everything your spouse does revolve around his ex-wife and kids. Some computer engineers. Speaking of children, how ready are you to become a stepmother? Being a first wife has its own set of challenges that are difficult to compare with the second wife's challenges. Islam has set the optional boundaries on which the person can take up the decision to marry on his choices. Allah will grant you someone honest and better than him inshallah, First off, you arent married yet..so you dont HAVE to accept his proposal..you are in NO WAY OBLIGATEDif you KNOW you arent going to be happy in this sort of arrangement dont do it..and also..if a man cannot be honest in his intentions then..i would question marrying him in the first place.being in this sort of marriage is a choice..it isnt an obligation and ALLAHswt doesnt demand you do it. fiscal difficulties. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. Just because they want that woman. So yeah, she will be fine with it. A married couple that stays together can rack up plenty of debt, but what about a marriage that ends? Allah swt Will give you answer in sha Allah. The wives regularly go shopping together with all his. Try to fix it. But you still need to DISCUSS that before marriage. As a slightly less romantic adult, I am endlessly fascinated by love stories. Second marriages are like the mature version of you getting married again. Don't rush into marriage. i hope you find some hobby interest maybe Art, quran memorising, hadith just something keep you busy so you dont think all these bad ideas. Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. Why wouldn't the first wife be furious. And even in some divorce courts, it is. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. He told to his wife, that she is the mother of his son, the official, his meat and blood. I'm saying that, because you said you want a normal lifeand you're not going to get that by choosing an abnormal lifestyle. This is the fault of the husband taking his wife for granted, and trying to stockpile sexual resources. I would never accept this behavior to. Even extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. But I HATE liars, cheaters and deceivers. Not a considerate man. Being a second wife has its benefits. Leahs first wife passed away, and their daughter, Rose, was still processing her grief when Leah and I started dating, Myra says. One of the advantages of being a second wife is that you bring a fresh perspective to this baggage, and you become a partner who stands by their side as they work through it. It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. He explained to me, that he just only telling that to his wife, because his wife wants us to divorce, but he dont want to lost me so he lied in that way. Her body was paralyzed so my parents refuse our marriage, I shared my body measurements with a guy online, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. Ibn Qudamah writes: If you want sis. Some want one child, some want 10 children. Therefore, the second wife will never feel the place like the first woman. And lot of painful words that was unacceptable. In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. His first wife might not know a thing about you, too. He's a coward and he's a bum that's only using you for his own benefit. You should have had a mahram from your side when you met him. Leave him alone and supplicate to Allah. Plus, the divorce must have made him stronger and now he knows what not to do to sustain a marriage. O, Young People! Handling the ex-spouse 7. But because the family decided to marrie to his cousine, he did. You know what you are willing to do, and not willing to do. It is the freeing of a slave Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. Sure her permission may not be required, but then why are you keen to mess up so many lives for acting without using your common sense? Very simple. A friend of mine is taking a second wife. Don't LIE about your plans and intentions during engagement! Do intighara to ASK Allah If he is the one for you because ,this is Really a mess. I have an issue to my life,as being a second wife. Its like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. Irsha Ikram is a great Islamic researcher, and writer, and have a good command of Quranic writing. Well, i my mind get full of thinking too much until i reached the point that i started to look job in other country to leave this place. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? You dont want to succumb to second-wife depression owing to the pressures, insecurities, and unpleasantness in your marital life on account of your spouses past. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. According to one hadith: Hazrat Asma R.A narrated: the one woman came to Hazrat Muhammad SAW and said her husband has a second wife, and if she shows something that she doesnt have to her second wife. Now lets discuss the healthy benefits of 2nd marriage and what Islam says to Muslims for dealing with second wives. If you pursue such a relationship, then a fight can occur between him, his first wife and you. If she's not, then you can either find a way to fix your problem, or get a divorce. Again, the best way to get your feelings out there without burning your marriage down is to have an honest conversation with your partner. Maybe theres alimony being paid now and a college fund for the kids. Some like to live in the country, and some like to live in the city. They couldnt move out because Bill didnt want to displace the kids and Sally couldnt say much about it, but it niggled her all the time. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. Marriage is the way to satisfy sexual needs and beware of sinful acts. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: 1. And don't lie to people. The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. Life in this world is only temporary and merely test from Allah SWT. i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. This will be very helpful for me in the struggles that i am facing now. Chole says, For the first few years of our marriage, I could hear whisperings and felt all the eyes are on me whenever I went somewhere with my husband. One of the conditions that must be fulfilled in order for polygamy to be halal for him, or any Muslim man, is that he must have the financial means to actually support all of his wives equally. If there is a really big problem in your marriage, so big that its got you looking for someone else, then you need to sit down and discuss that. He came to my brothers house to see me. Or, you are paying for it. Keep the love and heart of your wife, and still be giving and charitable to others. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. A good way to go about this is to outline clearly what is absolutely non-negotiable to you, and where you can compromise. Linda P (124) 09/12/2022 at 8:41 pm. As a result, you could be left feeling that shes there a little too much and stepping on your toes. Most of time, im thinking to leave, and let him to be with his first wife. 4. Please rethink your decision about marrying him my sister. She can't eat, she can't sleep. It is time that you rise in love. i was so dissapointed because he did not tell me he was married in the first place yet i was already in love with him. richard moriarty billionaire. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. Posted on January 2, 2022 by 0 i am a second wife..my husband was married a few years before i met him.he married w/n his culture in a sort of arrangement and he married me based on love later.i have been married for nearly 3years now and have five children with him.looking backif i could change my life..i wouldnt do this again ever. It annoyed her excessively that the financial planning didnt seem to include her or her comfort. All of that financial mess can translate into a financially difficult second marriage. If he buys you some jewelry, wear it. So if youre reeling under the pain of being a second wife, find solace in knowing that youre not alone. So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. Polygamy is not an idea that just "springs up" on you one day, from nowhere, lol. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. Well, i dont have doubt on his love, but now , how can i know the truth between of what his telling to me and what his telling to his wife ?? If the person in the second marriage who was married before didnt have children, then chances are they never have to even talk to their ex again. You have the stability of a husband but the focus is not all on you. Allah Knows Best and the answer matters a lot in your choice, your future. There is splitting the assets, each person taking on whatever debt there is, plus paying attorney fees, etc. Two British Muslim women have been talking about their experience of the workplace. However the second wife has put certain conditions for marriage. I am afraid that even if you marry he may keep this marriage as a secret. - -. Some are teachers. And yes, there are MANY men who really do not want polygamy. Although Islam has various reasons to emphasize getting married to three or four women at one time. This can make for a challenging home life from day to day. I saw Prophets Moosa, Muhammad and Esaah (peace be upon them all) in my dream. I'm actually really confused as to why it surprises you that your husband has an angry first wife that hates you on his hands. They will dissolve the marriage as soon as business deal comes through. Challenges. Your response is echoed by many Muslims that want a 1 on 1 relationship and want to ensure that polygamy is not practiced. Remember one thing sis. One of these things is that he should be able treat them both fairly with regard to spending, staying overnight and providing accommodation. If you truly love him then you should let him go for his first wife. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Somehow, you probably have always pictured someone who has never been married. TL'DR, husband Continue Reading I am impatient to marry, my fiance not so much! Maybe they just want a "sugar daddy" to spoil them and spend money on them. Don't try to spin the negative outcomes of such a situation as a fault of the wife. So with all those year being with him, i have my full guilt and grieve because i felt that Im just like a mistress being secretly married to his first wife. Am a moslim lady above 30years in love with a moslim man slightly older than me. IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. If finances and circumstances permit, move out to your own place living in the same house as the first wife is rarely a good idea, as anyone whos read Daphne Du Mauriers Rebecca will tell you. The first wife could also feel that youre replacing her completely and start jealously guarding her space. Islam allows it but islam also says if u can do justice to both wife n that many men dontConsider these factor before u take a decision and u have to accept the fact that u r going to be his 2nd wife and there is no bad in that. he explained everything to me after confronting him, i understood him but was hurt because i was not prepared for it and did not expect anything like that. She left what she considered "normal" when she accepted Islam. It's the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. Or did he have haraam intentions? I write primarily about love that is difficult, relationships that we often find difficult to explain even to ourselves, and Bonobology offers me the space to do so with humor, depth and affection. So, there was surprise and curiosity and just a hint of gossip in the air when we went out. Sometimes, says the report, it is uttered in rage and irresponsibility, in a single breath, ruining the lives of the women and children forever because they have no recourse for maintenance. This is a sign of their lack of reason and religious commitment. That kind of baggage can be detrimental to a second marriage and undermine any benefits of being the second wife. Too weak to stand by himself, how would he stand by you? But there are also benefits for women and men both and their children in their upbringing. This can occur in relationships that do or do not include children. If OP wasn't a Muslim it's likely she wouldn't have accepted this situation. Other wives can alleviate the time spent with the man and you would have more time for the kids should you choose to have a family. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! Provide the three areas that were Islamized. By sharing she is giving out of what she loves and this isn't normal to her. Worried about being a second wife. My second wife has three children from her previous marriage, which was invalid because her ex-husband was a Christian convert who along the way abondoned the religion (actually, he did not become Muslim by heart at all, and my second wife knew that). Second, I know he wouldn't just leave his wife and stay married to her on paper; he's a good man, and he would want to be a husband to her, and would try to be fair to the both of us. Aside from the love i have on him, aside from the care and love his showing me, how can i be secure myself????