NC is hard. But it happens. He usually pays it 15 minutes before the policy will be cancelled. Id let it fold first. UGH. Trying Hard is always one of the first ones to show support and care, albeit that she does it differently than I do. Do the best you can to take care of you. Like, super quiet. She didnt force her beliefs on me but we were both on the same page Spiritually. Wow how are you coping with that. So, if that includes dropping an F bomb now and then, I have no problem with that. Withdraw a very sizable amount of cash from our joint checking on that next business day after DDay. You have done more for me than you realize. I wouldnt mention it if it was a non profit thing but Im pretty sure its a commercially beneficial situation. I swear there were 10 people there all day watching over me. Interesting you were also told you were codep. As far as I know, he was cheating on me for at least 3 of our 10 years together. Its more as a self protective thing now, not to try and fix, educate or problem solve him as such. They are all banding together against me. And I hope I can continure go pay it forward and that other posters find my suggestions and advice helpful. Therefore, they will not leave a marriage until they are completely certain that the other woman will be there to move in with them or to generally be with them. I can tell you: MLC or not, Exit Affair or not, Runaway Husband or not: the person I put on the plane is NOT the same person I picked up at the airport. And the longer I have been deep in this shit, the more I see how big a role childhood plays in it all. Shes also a big fat narcissist. Then suddenly E hooked up with this woman who was chaotic with 4 kids from two previous relationships. Not for reconciles or those who divorce. This is not something to be dealt with emotionally. They just enable him and I am just as angry and hurt by them as by H. H is NOT fine. But that is due to you and to the gang here ???? But if he thought the A was the easy way out, he is finding out, that it isnt it wont be a carefree life, and not for a long while either. About why he is punishing you and not speaking. Letting the affair play out. Or 2-3 months after first few payments. needs to explain to me why they dont matter. I was taken aback. Anyway, Im still trying to process everything. Until I found my anger. H actually admitted to me he had probably lost his mind. We can only hope that they wise up and return to being the person we believed in and love before the affair. Im not saying your marriage is over but hubby needs a wake up call. Im actually looking into a clinic for my anxiety. She also said that he now seems really good. The cries that came out of me were animalistic. Ah yeah we tread so lightly and handle those timid, sad, little, forest creatures so tenderly. You know your H better than anyone. [As an aside: maybe you could put in a claim or sue the OWs estate. So Im not saying this will happen to you and your case but it just might. I would have been off that roller coaster much sooner. I hope you can see your way out of this nightmare. He wanted to reconsider search myself about everything but stressed that we were not together. They dont give a damn for anyone but their own comfort. Perhaps take a step back from the whole PIL thing..they are not the ones who cheated. But very good that he has volunteered to come over and fix something. My impression of you has been that youre one of the nicest, most considerate, most rational people EVER to comment on this site. FWIW.]. Was just spinning out there for a while. My dad was very controlling and my mom was submissive. H attempted to cancel our date at the last minute as he was wrecked from work. Your H would not. Satori I will be without wifi for a while so dont think Im ignoring you. Of course she is! How to make a lighthouse, crafts for the New Year from flower pots? The fact that hes going to a lawyer could work very well in your favor because as they say the shit is about to become very real to him!! And it seems from what you say that when left to their own devices, as per your sons case whom you were not as involved, D seems imminent then. A new yoga routine emerged. I was able to get through it with no sleep for 3 months and PTSD and anxiety thru the roof. Its part of the emotional immaturity, ability to completely detach, or to accept any portion of the blame, for the affair. Ive never seen anyone censored here at EAJ and if they were Id be gone. Satori-I think the get over it mentality is the worst (at least in many cases) with the CS. They will be using the time as a vacay / retreat so theyll be here 24-7 until Im back and they are staying a few days longer so we can hang out too which will be nice, Im looking forward to that. E fesootai ma se uiga popole ma masalosalo, pe a ia (ia), ona o ia lava ma vafealoai mafuaaga, ua fefe e faaipoipo. Look up the word in the dictionary and theres a picture of me ????. As well as other peoples well meaning if completely superficial responses to what theyre prefer we did (e.g. Gawd. On the deeper level, it throws my world view off: was H always this person but I didnt see it? For whatever reason. Obviously every situation is different. D-day 2 of finally discovering the A was June 2015. In actuality they just took on s whole heap of new trouble. None of my friends do. Diagnosing an MLC is no different than if one were sick. This was the case for my wife. Of course he had no answer. The change in behavior was so extreme and his personality became so radically different my head is still spinning. 6 times and always twisted the damn dagger so I learned to say BYE, when shed do that. He is drowning b/c he doesnt have you in his corner anymore. We were planning our own future together and wedding. Once I do, it will be madness. I am also defamed and smeared. And when you are in your groove letting it all out, you have given me some very healing belly laughs. Im thinking of calling a meeting with him to put MC or D squarely on the table and see what happens. Just my suggestion to save you future issues. Ill wear bitch proudly compared to cheater. It was always my fault. He can choose to do the hard work of humbling himself and fighting to regain you. That said, weve never censored anyone on this site and were not about to. That was my bad. except my friends here. TryingHard, just realised the nothing to work with was your comment. Controlled rage. SI. She added that the pressure that caused her to run away was generated "internally"; it was "not pressure from the wedding.". Thanks so much for your kind words TheFirstWife. And that is why the neverending grief. Theres childhood issues and other issues behind this. Especially since the affair had been going on for almost 4 years!!! Yes in the end hes my son and I love him. BSA, Thanks for your response. n. Defn. Richard. And his family is buying into his self created drama instead if standing up to him and telling him what reality is. All the things you suggest are very true and helpful, but I guess some have to be in the time frame for the individual. I just saw something different and took a chance. It was on him 200% to turn this around. Change the PW on your joint accounts OR take money out and put it in an account in your name. I was too nice. I regret ever letting someone mean so much to me that I reacted that way. It took me a long while getting there. It was a great life for 18 months not being told I love you, good morning, good night, how was your day, etc. There is no winning in this situation. Even the language he uses is not what he would use and H sounds like he is being scripted. You are just in denial about that. I need the honest answers. December 2006 Both parties dropped their respective lawsuits. Or have an A to bury the pain or mask it rather than face it. The 24 hours before I need to deal with him (even only via text) is triggering. Melatonin is now on my shopping list. I cant remember what it was but I can look for it. Thank you again for hanging in with me today, everything you say is so helpful x, Turning 50 This was pre-DDay. It is so amazing to be away. It would confirm his guilt and lack of integrity. And, sadly, he seems to be digging a deeper hole for himself. 9. When you or anyone else lets those things out, you can see them in the light of day and defeat them. But Im sensing a ploy. And then there is the prize line that literally deserves them having their faces torn off, are you ready, I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOU. Seeing H again tomorrow but I feel like he is trying to work out his next move rather than work on us. Yeah. Also, as TFW said, things have been said about me personally that are hurtful and feels like more betrayal. Dont add to the drama. No matter what they are going through (even things like job loss). My spiritual coach also advised a casual phone call. Hindsight and all. This is helping a lot. Until a week or so later when he wasnt sure. This feeling intensified once I realised the A had been going on for the period he was saying he was sick and sleeping, going to bed early etc. May be a breakthrough, but Im not sure where his head will lead him next. But it takes strength and courage to make a decision to R or D after infidelity. Clueless generally it now seems. Repeat. Like you, I am hyper vigilant to everyones subtle and not so subtle behaviors too. I think counseling is the best thing I did. Psychic much? Again, thank you. It is our business. They revert to toddler behavior IMO. No suspicion just concern and care. But remorse first and then we rebuild from there, but I have seen nothing from you. He played me. but so I do not create or allow this kind of enmeshed relationship in any form in my future. Um, yeah well if you didnt want a fight then you should have thought about that before you decided to sleep someone else and then dump me pretending to me that its all my fault that you did. there was no him working through it. Let him know any kind of discussion toward possible reconciliation is on the table for a while, but nothing legal. Having the support of a few close friends or family can make a world of difference. I dont get why he wouldnt at least try to see if we could work things out. And at the last moment, the groom fled, drove off to distant lands. The runaway spouse may not physically leave but emotionally theyve checked out. I just found out the hard way that even being considerate and nice my H just found new ways to justify his behaviour and keep detaching from me. If this scares him just wait until he starts getting legal notices! I said to him that since I had endured the ultimate disrespect from him, he now, out of actual respect for me going forward, needs to once and for all end it with this third party, since he has repeatedly said they are not together and she is not coming here nor is he going there (separate countries remember?) And honorably. Put it this way, a third party being in the mix was nowhere in my mind. Thing is you can move on and trust, somewhat, and have a successful relationship. Be forgiving of yourself and go outside and enjoy the simple things. And maybe thats exactly what I should have done instead. Grief is NOT something that can be rushed. I think TryingHard was in this position with a son herself. hahahaha. How very true!! Satori I dont know how you have the strength Satori. Discuss business and not R. Do the 180. Your own power is in your own choices and responses. Ask the question dont assume they know my heart and get straight to the covering ass bit. H wanted to get together again in another meeting to talk more about all the nitty gritty. Newly married or long term M. Bf/Gf or domestic cohabitation the patterns are surprisingly similar. All I got was nastiness from him. Meanwhile, be good to you. Only jerks cheat on and leave their wives. DDay was 3/19/2011 by 4/14/2011 I was well into NC with him and moving forward with a divorce as I knew the affair was still going on much to his denial. He is younger than my H and in his late 20s. If Switzerland did not exist, much of the damage could have either been stopped in its tracks and reversed or minimised. But life is long. And I was almost finished too. Your H is lying to himself and his family is buying in to his pity party. The narrative has now become all justification for the A. DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SWEAR WORDS!!!!!!! Especially not when we are putting on our big girl and big boy panties gearing up for war. So yes SI, tapping into that energy might be a more satisfying way to process my grief!! But take solace: there are others with you in these trenches. But if it werent for my therapist we would not be together. Do not contact him for a while. But most days I am much better now. No compassion for her. They are here because they are unselfish women who have tremendous empathy for others. Satori I am so sad for you. I need it to stay afloat as its my income until everything gets sorted. The grieving process is hard and difficult. She makes certain her marriage remains a priority, insisting on quality time together . No drama anywhere really. We should be he as in he chose to cheat and he chose this behavior and he chose to disrespect me Blah Blah blah. I cant really say that I agree with you regarding the language. Our family is superior to Satoris family. Therefore he wont come back. How dare he trash the magic of us, and all that was precious then say he doesnt want to save the M as HE did too much damage! What a fool. When I come to my grief pieces, as Iike to call them, I share some of my grief, in general terms (not sharing details). Thank goodness for the internet. incompatibility and growing apart. It got heated. Dont throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak . I fortified that shit. Why don't these. I do remember it well. Now what??? As with TryingHard, every word you type is precious to me, and has given me so much, not least the wise counsel and hard won experience that you so both generously shared for my benefit and support. Its not warranted but we wont admit that, why should we? I know it hurts and I am very sorry. Ive done a lot of research on emotion and memory and child abuse etc. Cue more of the ritual humiliation of the Betrayed which Im just discovering is the true legacy of life after a Cheater. I hope this little bit of my story has helped you. I just feel helpless. Runaway bride syndrome (gamophobia, gametophobia) is a complex of negative personality traits that are not related to mental illness. The story about the first time I heard about runaway spouses also happens to support the idea that this is not a gender-specific phenomenon. It is hard to watch your H have one foot out the door but as we know now, we are powerless to stop it. Do not allow her access to your home. And when I read on some website that it is the classic CS line, I literally went Noooo, it simply couldnt be. Hes a mess. When a spouse runs away, it doesnt say anything about the abandoned spouse, but it does say everything about the runaway spouse. One I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. when you say you stopped playing nice how long did it take for him to ping back to you? Its natural. Her behavior also started when our oldest went off to college. I have yet to find a resource that can wholly explain this phenomenon from the betrayers point of view and really explain what they did and why they did it in that way. Ive seen many great going concerns collapse after this shit. But also at least you might have gained a sense of closure. Just proves you raised someone with core integrity and a strong set of values.You truly deserve a son like that because you yourself are clearly loyal! Those are his actions and his words. Ive been NC with H except for one day a week for the business. Meanwhile, yes a mani / pedi and my brother just booked us a long hopefully wine filled lunch with my whole family at a restaurant on the weekend. Ive certainly been through the anger although Im not actively acrimonious towards my H, we still communicate about things for work, but I think 4 months out it is still too soon for me. He claimed to have forgotten to bring his phone. My great, great-grandmother never told a soul what she did all of those years with her lover the steamboat captain. Thats what punches me in the stomach still. As far as my own actions are concerned, I do feel Im doing the best I can. Not trying to discriminate, but I am in touch of thousands of women, nationwide, dealing with this. And by the way, my wife didnt come home one night. And I had not seen that in a long while. I see you as one of the several wise women here and goodness knows we need a circle of wise women who are able to rally around those who are hurting. When someone cheats I believe the best chance a betrayed spouse has it to make life very hard and very scary for the wayward spouse. I dont understand his swinging between utter sad sausage lack of confidence to a puffed out peacock crazy braggart. And I would give in. Even in a case where someone like my H claims he wants the OW so that he can have someone to treat with disrespect, their pride in their relationship with us is based on treating us with respect. Ive been trying to work whether his fuckupdness was something that developed over the 15 years or was it always thereAnd I shudder to think about an A happening in 10-20 years time too.As in, if I didnt happen now, it would have happened eventually? I am feeling more empowered but Im worried if he gets nastier or loses financially it will de-volve. Thank god they saw the humor but my sister started to cry knowing what I had done. For the past week I have been dealing with my insurance company to remove my son from my car insurance policy. Hard to watch but he did the right thing. Just a thought. Screw him. Regardless, YOU GOT THIS. I did mine too late in the game but I finally ran out of patience and options. brides can be under a lot of stress! And as I have stated he has deep regret and remorse for his behavior and things he said and chouces he made. Weve all heard different versions of the same garbage. She was an expert manipulator because when I finally woke up and started to call her out, she played the victim perfectly and turned others to her side. He sure didnt learn HIS lesson and neither did I. I guess with age does come wisdom. My lawyer has said I should put some distance in (NC) and he will follow up with email to secure obligations.Im still doing all my work as usual and making sure everything is airtight. It is a growing trend in the United States. If she wants to apologize for her actions Ill listen and decide whether she is just full of shit or sincere. PostedNovember 13, 2011 No breakdowns in front of them. But slowly slowly get out of your house. Its been 2 months now since my H left our home and only 6 weeks since DDay so Im only having flashes. So please when he says this, really dont rip his face off. Au contraire Satori!! Good morning and welcome to hell that is your life, I told myself. Her family probably now hates my family Blah blah blah. I think let it be for a while. Satori No really, run while you still can. So I was thinking we were making progress. Thankfully, I could express my concerns and doubts to my family, says the brand manager. He had her so upset the other day that she called me and said that my ex is evil and parinoid. impression management?) Use your advisers as a check. Him walking around angry b/c his OW left him or he couldnt be with her. We are driven to be part of a clan. Around two weeks after he gave me that ring, he was standing by the fireplace with a glass of wine and I was cooking dinner. Me: There are other options. Thats part of what makes us individuals. I always wear sunnies as I find planes very emotional have cried through countless takeoffs in my life. Nothing you do or say will stop the avalanche that is happening. It took me many many years to move through the death of a person kind of grief, so I know how stuck you can get. But twice in our M he turned to other women for EA relationships. I flew out to LAX, rented a car (quotes because it was a POS as the front bumper fell off!!! Finding the right lawyer is the biggest decision you have to make right now and the most important for your well being for what might just be the rest of your life. We applaud GoldenCHild achieving this though any means necessary. I just wanted to scream my husband left me and Im 56 years old and I dont know what the hell Im going to do but that could have been reason for and emergency landing somewhere over Utah and that would have been very ugly for everyone. There is no substance to it in sheer physical reality, although its more dangerous in some ways as what they are doing is feeding and building the tension and the desire for tension release. As you can see. Thank you ALL for the fresh perspective on the PILs etc. Come to think of it, thats not a bad nickname for H. I mean he is representing for the Runaway H Olympics. Thats what the scroll button is for. You have to go through it, theres no way around it, and it sucks big time. You said Blah blah and hurt my feelings What so strange happened that she, like the devil with incense, runs from under the aisle? He was being very nice and we were even intimate. [latin Skankis feveri. I think we all can relate to the destruction when the bomb drops. I helped him with that. His text was beautiful but its hard not to be suspicious of motive. This is not a new phenomenon and has probably been around for as long as marriage has existed. My only interest now in getting feedback here is not to understand him and his motivations, but so I can maximise my own situation and minimise any harm that can come my way. We tried to have a discussion about communication issues but he will not bear any part in it, just wants to say its all my fault / problem. Im glad that youre getting some sleep. Now you would think hed be thrilled to know he was going to be rid of me. I figured out he was playing me. It is a choice to forgive and let go. Ive always felt this is a safe place to vent and let it out. E.G. Dont let your h infidelity run everything you e worked so hard for. Along with the hardened heart and nasty attitude. It is incredibly selfish. This is what I call the put on the bitch boot stage. But even if it doesnt change anything, at least I can now stop blaming myself, as before I knew the truth of the situation, I was fully taking it on as being all my fault. Im in awe that you survived that ordeal. I dint know if I told you but my h was gone from the home for 3 months. Satori So painful. Your H also seems to have recognised how big his mistake was. TryingHard, in a few days it will be three long months since H left saying that we were not separating and it was not permanent. Its so clearly involuntary and whenever I even suggest to him I am trying to get inside his head he gets so annoyed as if he doesnt want me to go there, probably because HE doesnt want to go there himself. Absolutely, but I am at peace. I will change the password if I have to. Having worked for a D attorney for 6 years taught me all I need to know about the process. It could also be that she wanted to subtly let me know that there would be no R ( maybe acting on instructions from my H) as MIL baulked when I queried how she knew that, since she said she had not had any conversations with her son about the situation. I pray I can be strong for him and help teach him to forgive his mom. So yes it was a real perfect storm all around. But the money focus already makes me feel like Im not even second choice, more like the third choice. Still a child. . He went and got a suitcase and packed up. Thanks ShiftingImps, hope you are feeling a bit better? Spousal Abandonment Syndrome is the opposite of the traditional divorce which typically comes after years of trying to work out difficulties in a marriage. Fact is nothing you did drive her to her ill choices. Well done GoldenChild for using Satori to get your leg up in life and in successfully using and exploiting her and her generous trusting family to get what you needed to make us look good. Youve done everything right with the exception of getting a good therapist. We spent 6 hours together, the longest time since he left. Starting when I was 19. BED = Blame / Excuses / Denial > below the line thinking. Very odd. Maybe that's just a flaw people has to accept, Posted by merisle at 08:53 How is it someone doesnt want me??? Ive been too good to them. Its his mess and its his choice to end things or not. I have two books I want to recommend to you: Resisting Happiness by Matthew Kelly and Everybody Needs to Forgive Somebody by Allen Hunt. When I was unhappy about things in my life I never told him but made changes in ME. Whether the OW is still in the picture or not. The clouds, the wind, the morning frost. The Police Department's reasoning for using the image was the fact that many people would recognize the reference to the incident and that people still talked about the incident. I guess its up to Doug and Linda how they choose to monitor this site. My way worked for me. Some narcissists go on to produce children with two three or even four other partners. Makes no difference to me to whom your reply is attributed. Thanks for your truly excellent advice though. Runaway bride syndrome (gamophobia, gametophobia) is a complex of negative personality traits that are not related to mental illness. It is usually that woman or man who is well-respected and admired in the communityand often that person who seems to have the perfect life and family. Yep driving across boring Kansas I literally screamed. Namely, they do it because they can. No more compassion. If before marriage the lovers behaved quite adequately, then when the question arose to formalize the relationship, one of them suddenly changed their opinion about the partner. Not only that, as he was always doing the wrong thing but she had made him so it was time to bail. So when we would get together the conversation would go to divorce and how we could divorce amicably. Arent we still together?. She doesnt intimidate me in the least. It is his job to make himself happy or figure out why he is not. And he did. He begged and begged. I didnt feel it in my heart. You nailed it re his delusional thinking to justify his behavior. It could have helped me cope. you fix your picker. In other words there is loss whichever way it plays out. I am so sorry for you. This is what made things very real for my h. He thought he would manipulate me into going along with his charm and ability to sell ice to Eskimos and I was so stupid I would agree to sharing one lawyer! Watering and feeding. To have the inability to move on and allow yourself to be insulted is pointless and shows a real lack of maturity. I would get the what for when I got home. What the heck does FOO stand for?????? Ive always had my inner bad ass. So be realized his behavior was wrong and stopped the A (I actually think she ended it). Everyone turned against her and my son was working here at the time making sure her life was miserable. Well I might get to that point some day but not just yet. Hired not only a psychiatrist, to issue me proper medication because honestly my anxiety was through the roof and Xanax became like Tic Tacs for me. It is an act of aggression, no question. And two days later her mask fell off and he saw everything she was doing as her boyfriend/ex step son called me and him. Thats still so shocking to me. Just looooove love love the freedom. Runaway brides have probably suppressed their hesitations and their feelings that they are making a compromise for a long time till these begin to bubble, or rather to explode, on the surface. Hell even my hair hurt during that grief time. Do you really need to be saddled with this sad sausage shit show? Its battling windmills to they to equate it to any other reasons. Well he got it in spades!!! Thanks TryingHard. And then a month later he wants a D. I like your plan for the next few weeks. The new challenge is now the adjustment process to real life, when no one has any true understanding of what has happened to you. I know Im still working on accepting all that has transpired and realize that I may never fully understand why my ex did what she did. Had I had this group I would have known not to do that and pay attention to his actions. Regardless what it was shes your MIL and probably not a friend whos looking out for your best interests. I can speculate it has to do with his childhood, suppression of emotions, and not wanting to face his problems, but these are only pieces. I know what it feels like. So as far as picking I did not pick a guy that had red flags or history of cheating. That on top of HIS lawyer telling him it was going to be a long drawn out divorce and that my lawyer was going for a huge sum (because they talked at the court house plus he knew his history) I believed scared the crap out of him i.e.
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